Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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