im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
