Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
