Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
