I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
