Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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