That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
