Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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