dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
