Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
