last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
