we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
