omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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