The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
