i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
