I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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