people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
