I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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