I will die if light touches me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We left the knife in your bed.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
