saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
