I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
