3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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