Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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