Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
