there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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