my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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