I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
