So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
