I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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