Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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