I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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