Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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