dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
