I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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