Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
