Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
