I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
