I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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