she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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