so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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