I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
