I accidentally had phone sex last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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