you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
