i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
