So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
