I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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