My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
