I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
