I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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