im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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