He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
